Lessons Learned.... & still Learning

As I was getting ready for church this morning, my thoughts overflowed from the past (from when I was going through my divorce - up until moments from last night. I have a deep sigh thinking about all that has come up and all that I have experienced emotionally/mentally. I've never really expressed my feelings about how I truly felt during my marriage or while I was going through my divorce. I'm not going to bare all details or feelings due to the fact of walls that have been built around my heart. However I would like to share a few details for today's blog.

Being married was exciting, foreign, new, frustrating, scary, amazing at times, and yet some how this is where I began to build such high walls around the inner me / my heart. Coming back to Utah with my belongs in a trailer, and no husband- Emptiness was all I could feel. Certain family members thought it was necessary to express how I was feeling. Which is funny- did they really now how I was feeling? I was very cautious as to who I shed my tears in front of. My feelings and thoughts were all I had left. I felt alone, like a failure, and helpless for my husbands addiction that I could not fix. There were things and feelings I would not wish upon anyone on the flip side these circumstances some how prepared me to deal with my next challenge in my life.

I opened my door to someone in need of help. Once again addiction was in my home. Once again I put my life and well being on hold, putting all effort into getting the addiction out of his life. I feel complete when I helping others. How much help am I able to give? I should have asked this question long ago. Having an addiction back into my home/life- sacrificed a lot friendships, relationships, dating was ultimately impossible at times. However the moments that the addiction seemed to be at rest and not in site, I felt like my sacrifice and efforts were paying off. It was a short time after my feeling of, somewhat of, a victory faded fast. Satan works hard with his evil. He gets to the best of people.

I came to a point in my life where I could not do it anymore. I could not have someone elses' addiction causing me pain. I have worked to hard for my happiness and my life. I have learned that I am HUMAN and I can only do so much and give so much. My home is now free of addiction. It feels like a 1000lb weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I wish the best for these addicts and send them my love but I have to worry about me.

What a journey this is! Approaching the age of 29, come January, I never thought I would have to be "finding who I really am"! Looking back I will say God has blessed me in these times of hardship. I was prepared in my marriage to take on a family member and their addiction. During these times, there was always food on the table. I had a job. My testimony has definitely grown when it comes to prayer.

The past few months, I have had met some amazing people. Some have remained in my life and some have vanished as fast as they came in. There is a reason for meeting the people when you do. Some relationships that are no longer- I have looked back and have really tried to pinpoint my part in the failure of the relationship. What I could have and should have done differently or not done at all. It's like sometimes I do things that I know I should have made a better decision on, only to fill a void or emptiness that I have.

I get so frustrated with the fact that I have a huge wall built around me, but I have to remind myself daily that Things happen for a reason. I have had amazing people come in and out of my life for a reason. Something they did or said, has helped me for the better. I have great family and friends that are always there when I need them. Thank you! I have learned many things! I have witnessed and experienced a lot (some of which I never want to experience or witness again!) I have met some amazing people. I have grown and am learning with every trial and situation.

So my journey continues... I have a marathon I'm getting ready for. (I'm noticing a trend here! Something huge and traumatic happens in my life I run and put myself through complete pain as a form of therapy! Who needs Dr. Phil! I have 26 miles to run and think things through!) I am working on getting these 15lbs that so lovely came as a companion to my stress that I have had, that I am getting rid of. I have my spirit to feed. I have the love for the Gospel where I do want to work on going through the temple. I want to find someone that will love me for me and for what I have to offer. So many times I sell myself short and do things that I feel they will accept me for. I want to get back the friendships that I lost or endangered.

I have to remind myself that: We're the worst but yet most important critic of ourselves!! What others may think or say should not matter.

Thank you to all that have stuck by me through all of this! I'm so blessed in every aspect of my life.

Many Happy Wishes for the Thanksgiving Season!